https://www.amazon.com/WHOOP-5-0-Activity-Tracker-Personalized/dp/B0DY2PB7RB

I learned about the WHOOP fitness tracker from one of my internet friends who is generally skeptical about tech but, like the rest of us, struggling against the inevitable grinding by time of the body into dust. I mean that’s the point of these fitness devices, right? To assuage our fears of death, or at very least profit off of them? The WHOOP is priced such that I’m not sure anyone under 35 would take a second glance. But maybe fear of mortality is hitting younger these days?

When I was in my 20s I had a step tracker, paid for by my employer’s participation in the Virgin Pulse health program. We got the entry-level tracker for free, but if we participated in the program enough we could earn points for the higher quality tracker. At one point my wife bought me a fitbit, which I lost, because I lose everything, even things that are ostensibly attached to me. For my 40th birthday, my dad got me a GPS watch, which I wear running, because I feel some obligation to collect data on my runs for some future, unspecified purpose. I like it but it’s not fashionable or comfortable enough to wear about, tracking my steps and fitness habits.

The whole thing with the WHOOP is it tracks a veritable menagerie of health data points, and uses AI to analyze that data and provide customized health insights. I actually think this stuff is pretty cool. I’m really just too lazy to track my health data and persnicketty about wearing things, and in reality I’m not sure I’d ever actually take action on any of those AI health insights, and depending on which WHOOP option you’re looking at I could buy 2-5 guitar effect pedals for that price so I’m probably not going to get one.

But I was interested, because I find that my body by extension my psyche are pretty sensitive to my health and fitness habits. I am a high-maintenance machine, exotic and temperamental, and if I don’t eat the right food, and exercise enough, and get the right type and amount of sleep, and smoke the exact right amount of weed, all my wheels just fall off. So I’d really love to load all my habits into a computer and have it tell me whether I’m doing things right. I don’t know if I will, but I’d like to.